[QUICK NOTE: My word was clown]
Retailers and Employees:
In our efforts to improve the shopping experience here at Haddonfield Town Center, we have implemented several new strategies which have garnered positive results.
- The drones now freely patrolling the food court seem to have the pigeon infestation under control.
- The munitions factory has seen fit to admit their mistake, and have provided our security force with the original, “semi-lethal” Tasers that we had initially ordered.
- The full-body scanners that were installed to ferret out shoplifters have been re-calibrated, and should no longer cause radiation sickness or tumors.
In spite of all the measures we’ve taken on behalf of our loyal customers, the previous weekend saw a marked increase in the number of customer and employee complaints, most of which seem to stem from one individual in particular. Samples provided:
Julie; cashier at Luke Warm Subject Matter:
“When I explained that it was against company policy for him to “lurk” in the fitting rooms and offer assistance, he squirted me in the face with a foul-smelling liquid from a flower on his lapel and ran laughing from the store.”
Rhonda; food court custodian:
“Several diners expressed concerns about his “mirrored shoes”, and didn’t believe they were “for children to inspect their noses for boogers”.
Ben; Assistant Manager of Farms and Peasants Booksellers:
“Told him the back hallways were strictly off-limits to anyone other than retail employees, he then offered me heroin and attempted to perform oral sex on me (sorry)”
Jermaine; stock associate at Domes (Hats and Various Cranial Accessories):
“He approached a boy in our store and asked him if he’d like a balloon animal. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to convince the kid that a “long brown spaceship with rear thrusters” was just as good, if not better than, the giraffe he’d asked for. The “spaceship” was very clearly a penis. UNACCEPTABLE”
As you can plainly see, there is a disturbing pattern at work here. I feel the need to be explicit.
Haddonfield Town Center does not, has not, and for the foreseeable future, will not be planning to employ a clown.
Anyone coming into contact with this individual should not approach him. Instead, it’s suggested that you notify security immediately as to his whereabouts. Thank you.
Haddonfield Town Center