Little Old Me


The always positive and beautifully eloquent Danica, of the blog Living a Beautiful Life, has nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award! Yeah, I dunno either…

If you’re not familiar with her blog, you have no idea what you’re missing. Seriously, read this, it’s amazing. Okay, on with the show.

Before we get to show and tell, let me assure everyone that I will not be nominating anybody. You’re all so damn lovely, it wouldn’t be right for me to single anyone out. On to the facts:

  1. I enjoy really negative music. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to and enjoy all kinds of music, but some of the stuff (for example, everything on my iPod that I use at the gym) I like you’d hear and think, “damn, let’s gtf away from this guy…”
  2. I once convinced the DMV that I’d never owned a certain vehicle, and they obligingly wiped all the fines and penalties associated with it from my record. (I doubt someone could get away with this today)
  3. I don’t like most politicians, but I love political smear campaigns.
  4. I can be very confrontational if someone is annoying me or showing their ass in public, which kind of leads into number 5…
  5. I’ve been in A LOT of fights. None in the past 5-6 years though, so that’s good…
  6. I’ve been a huge Doctor Who fan since I was a child, and I feel kind of bad that I’m 4 (or 5) episodes behind on the new season.
  7. I wish comics were uncool again.

That’s seven, now I’ll rant a little.

There were a few news stories that caught my attention so far this week. The first has to do with a “Breaking Bad Walter White” action figure that’s available at Toys “R” Us. Apparently, some lady has a real problem with this doll (get over it; action figure, doll, same thing) because it comes with a knapsack full of “crystal meth”. I can understand the complaint, because up until I saw the news I was unaware that Toys “R” Us now had an adult toy aisle. See, as an adult, I haven’t been in a Toys “R” Us in about 20 years. Maybe if you notice a sign on an end-cap that says “adult toys”, you should avoid taking your kids down that aisle.

The second is a little bit touchier, so I’ll attempt to be delicate. A couple who lost their child in a hazing incident at college have taken offense at a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor called Hazed & Confused. It’s a hazelnut ice cream, if that puts anything into perspective. Again, I get it; it’s a tragedy, and I’m not going to go into a rant about sheep, or frat life, or parenting. I’ll just say this (again): ALMOST NOTHING IS ABOUT YOU! I hate to sound like an insensitive prick (that’s not true at all, I’m very good at it, but I try to avoid it for decorum’s sake), but do you stay in bed if the weather-person says it’s a “little hazy” outside? There’s a world of difference between hazelnuts (they’re small, they’re delicious, they’re f*cking food), and hazing (it’s moronic, it’s a little culty, and if someone willingly wants to endanger themselves to earn the “respect” of a group of idiots that’s their problem). I’m sorry for their loss, but please –PLEASE– just stop…If you want to educate people about the dangers of hazing, there’s probably better places to start than with f*cking ice cream. Stop using your son’s untimely demise in an attempt to shame a company into doing what you want. It’s tacky. [QUICK NOTE: I won't be the slightest bit surprised if they change the name of the ice cream.]

Finally, there’s this. An online petition has convinced the Glastonbury Music Festival to restrict the sale of Native American style headdresses. Glastonbury, in England…Native Americans…I’ve never said this before, but I just can’t even…The petition was signed by a whopping 65 people. 65! In FUCKING ENGLAND! Here’s a fun fact, Native Americans are native to; meh, forget it, this ain’t my hill to die on. Good job guys! Maybe now you could convince your country to give back all the stolen (yeah, it’s stolen) shit in your world-famous museums! Or is that too much like actual work? You’d probably need a few more people to sign the petition you couldn’t even bother to print out. I quit.

Again, thank you Danica for the lovely award. It means a lot coming from someone as talented as you. Sorry I screwed up my acceptance speech. :P

Oh, The Horror!

“Look at him. It’s like he’s hypnotized.” I wound the scarf around my head, watching my toddler staring at the television. The expression on his face indicated he was deep in thought. On the screen, an old hunchback gripped a thick rope, preparing to ring a church bell.

My husband was more concerned with the ongoing storm, wondering if the car would be able to maneuver through the building snow. “Zip him up, we have to go. They just plowed, and it’s snowing so hard the roads won’t stay clear for long.”

The little boy’s eyes never left the television. They didn’t own one, so coming to grandma’s was a treat. As the hunchback rang the bell, a dark liquid began to fall from above, followed soon by the body of a young woman. Most kids would be disturbed, but he still wouldn’t stop watching.

“Okay, honey, it’s time.” I turned him away from the television, zipped his jacket, and put his mittens on. “Run outside,” I whispered, “make a snowball to hit daddy with!”

As his dad opened the front door, little Mike ran around him, through the door, and off the porch. He didn’t stop running until he disappeared into a four-foot-tall snowbank. When we got him out and shook the snow off of him, the first thing he asked his dad was, “Is that lady dead?”

True Story!



Nope, Never…

This would be the perfect time for me to re-spin one of my older posts, but I’d rather write something new.

There’s a lot of places, online and in the real world, where I’m considered “privileged”. This has more to do with the fact that I’m a white male than any actual “advantages” I may have received in life. I get a little tired of people who’ve never had to struggle a day in their lives telling me I need to “check my privilege.” Mine was broken when it came out of the box.

It’s so much easier (and more profitable) to break things down along lines of race, gender, etc. No one, especially the preachy ones who are just FULL of actual privilege, wants to admit that the biggest inequality problem that exists in this country today (USA y’all) is income inequality. Imagine what would happen if all the poor people realized we have more in common with each other than we do with some sheltered, entitled loudmouths who make a living telling everyone what they should be angry about.

I’m not saying there aren’t other problems; sure, sometimes it still sucks to be a woman; lots of people have horrible ideas about people of different ethnic persuasions, or different sexual preferences; I understand that. The fact remains, the only form of inequality that is (and has been) steadily getting worse is income inequality. If you claim anything else, you’re either lying, or you’re exploiting people.


I Know It’s Wednesday…

Daily prompt? Meh. I was able to get some good writing done this morning, so I’m happy. In a way, I’m disappointed that I can’t both post it here and submit it for publishing. (I’m sure there are probably places that don’t mind that, but I haven’t  found ‘em!) I haven’t been tempted to type up a good rant; everything’s good here, and it’s easy to ignore the idiots. Anyway, I’m turning my brain off for a little while and playing a game.


To The Guy In The Apartments A Block Over

First, let me just say, my bad. I’ve been kind of slacking on going to the gym solo for the past few weeks. I try to leave the house as little as possible anyway. Those two facts account for why I didn’t have my headphones firmly planted in my ears the minute I walked out the door, which eventually led to our whole “conversation”. That being said, I think both of us could have handled the situation a little better.

I’m a transplant. I wasn’t born or raised here, so I don’t have the same blunted, oblivious senses as your average neighbor. Where I’m from, there’s a short list of “why strangers stop you on the street”:

  • they’re selling drugs
  • they wanna buy drugs
  • they are cops
  • your ass is about to get robbed

I’m not exaggerating, that’s pretty much it.

Let’s talk etiquette. Upon realizing I wasn’t using my headphones for deflection, my first instinct was to continue walking. Your very insistent cries of “Hey buddy” won out, and I stopped and turned to engage you in conversation. Allow me to offer you a nickel’s worth of free advice: when approaching a stranger, probably especially one who looks like me, your opening line should never be “How’d you like to make some fast cash?”

Considering where you are, this would probably work out in your favor 9 out of 10 times. It’s that 10th time you have to watch out for, because that guy will probably be someone like me, who responds, “F*ck’d you say, man?”

Oh, bother.

Regardless of the words coming from someone’s mouth, when their lip curls and they shift their weight while moving their body slightly sideways, that’s an indicator to explain yourself as quickly and succinctly as possible; not the time to say something witty like, “you heard me, dude.” Such replies, to certain individuals, will only further escalate the situation and lead to the type of awkward confrontations we had first thing this morning.

I feel bad for the missed opportunity. I was only on my way to the gym, and if you had shown even the smallest bit of social grace, I’d have happily helped you to hang your new cabinets. I was a carpenter professionally for years, and I would have enjoyed the chance to work with my hands and maybe make a new friend. But, by the time cooler heads prevailed and we figured out the nature of our random encounter, it was too late. I went to the gym full of adrenaline, and you went off with the oddest “Dear Abby” lesson you’d ever heard ringing in your ears. Good luck with your cabinets.


TL;DR? Be careful when talking to strangers. (or maybe just don’t, I dunno)