Curmudgeon–October ’14

Old habits die hard, but anything will die if you shoot it (or stab it, or beat it, hold it under water, etc…) enough. Friends long unseen remind you why it’s been so long since you’ve seen them. A chance encounter serves to illustrate that violence is never the answer, but threats of violence may do wonders for your peace of mind. Exciting new opportunities await, and may be found by examining past endeavors. Those kids, and dogs, will stay off your lawn.




The Curmudgeon


Curmudgeons are very defensive, solitary creatures. Similar to the sign Cancer, they tend to be introverted and empathetic. They are born seemingly already exhausted by the mundane bullshit that generally accompanies everyday life. This can often seem attitudinal, which is what led to the name.

The curmudgeon can most often be identified by it’s desire to be at home, in the dark, usually reading. Outdoors, they can be recognized by their silence and resting bitch face. When encountered in the wild, they should be approached with caution. Although not prone to violence, curmudgeons have been known to be rather venomous.

If you’re lucky enough to befriend a curmudgeon, you can rest assured knowing that they would do anything for you. Need help studying? They gotcha. Gotta drive cross-country by yourself? No, ya don’t. Need to hide a body? I’ll They’ll bring the shovels.


Mini-Post (Or, All This Sucks)

I’m brain-dead. No offense to anyone who’s actually brain-dead, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Or boxers, whatever. Been slacking on the blog, but I’ve been writing. No material I feel like writing about to post today, so in the spirit of Tempest, here’s a little list:

  • LUCYLucy, the movie, sucked. I was going to do one of my movie reviews for it, but honestly I disliked it so much I didn’t have the heart. (WARNING: May be spoilers for garbage) First of all, if someone who I barely know/hooked up with on a whim snaps a briefcase to my wrist with a set of handcuffs, I’m like “free briefcase, fuckity bye.” Secondly, why in the blue hell would “Lucy” kill several random people, but when she confronts “stereotypical mobster number one”, the guy who caused the whole mess, she just stabs him in the hands? Even after she has the info she wants, she’s just like *HAND-STAB* “toodles”…WTF. This movie also firmly cemented the thought in my head that Scarlett JoHannsen (probably misspelled, don’t care) is the lady equivalent of Keanu Reeves; very limited range of facial expressions, one voice. Shit actors, the both of them. They’re just like really pretty, but empty, cups. It’s even funnier if I think a little deeper, because this steaming pile is basically The Matrix in the “real world” with a girl Neo…
  • CONSTANTINE: This one probably WILL get its own post sometime in the near future. For now, it just hurts too much, you know? A while ago I did a post about this comic book The Authority. That’s my favorite comic book, but Hellblazer (the comic that Constantine is based on) comes in a close second. Forget the movie (starring, surprisingly, Keanu “WHOA” Reeves)…That fucking television show…Hellblazer was a comic with VERY MATURE THEMES. It annoys me that once the character gains popularity, everyone’s first reaction is “Oh, better neuter the fuck out of this and make it family friendly”. No wonder Alan Moore washed his weird, wizardly hands of the comic book industry. The whole time I was watching (sort of watching) I kept asking S., “Has he smoked yet? Have they even shown a cigarette?” It may seem like a small thing, but it IS an integral part of the character. Thank the GOOD LORD we live in ‘Merica, where you can see 15 different versions of Law & Order, all dealing with horrible, often violent, crimes, but the networks protect us from the dangers of smoking…CUNTS. This supernatural lite bullshit is offensive. This is just going to lead to more arguments. (Stopping here so I can give Constantine the post he deserves. Here’s a preview)
Just so ya know, this pic isn't something I looked up, it's on my computer, because I'm a fan...

Just so ya know, this pic isn’t something I looked up, it’s on my computer, because I’m a fan…


I’m just going to stop there, if I keep listing things that suck I’ll be here all day. On the bright side, I had a really nice weekend.


Adventures In Laundering

“I can’t just let it go, that’s how things start to fester. Dad has a bad day at work, yells at mom. Mom feels frustrated and annoyed, yells at the kid. Kid is hurt and confused, kicks the dog. Dog bites a stranger, gets put down. Now all that’s left is an angry family with a dead dog, I don’t want a dead dog.” 

All these thoughts running through my head as I fold the laundry, I decide to say something.

“You fucking with me, man?”

He looks up, a startled expression on his face. “Excuse me?”

“I just gotta know, are you fucking with me? I turned my back for like 30 seconds, and when I came back, my laundry basket was in the middle of the floor, and the cart with all my clothes in it was moved. So, I just gotta know; you fucking with me?” I continued to fold my laundry, not really looking at him as I spoke.

“You got a table. We’re the only two people here, what’s it matter which table you using?” He’s stopped stuffing his laundry into his backpack to stare at me.

“That’s the point, we’re the only two people here. I just don’t understand why you’d think it’s okay to move my stuff, there’s literally three tables right here. Why’d you need the one my stuff was on?”

Seriously?” He was getting agitated, I could tell. “You trying to fight over a laundry table?”

“Nah, man. I wouldn’t fight anybody over a laundry table.” I looked up from my pile of t-shirts. “But I would fight someone for fucking with me.”

That got his attention, so I kept going, speculating on the reasons he touched my stuff. “Is it because I’m white? You don’t like bald-headed white guys? Is it the pajamas? You hate Captain America?”

Now he’s nervous, thinking maybe I’m some kind of lunatic. Maybe he’s right, who am I to say? “What’s wrong with you?” he asks.

“In general? Or tonight? Apparently, tonight I left the house with my ‘fuck with me’ face on, when I meant to wear my ‘stay far, far away’ face. I really just want to know why you felt like it was okay for you to move my stuff.”

“I didn’t know it was your stuff. There wasn’t anybody around it, and my dryer was right there.” He points behind him. “This table was closest. Sorry.”

He’s lying. We stood next to each other for twenty minutes waiting for our dryers to stop. I’ve made my point, time to let it go. “It’s all good, man. I just thought that was a particularly weird thing to do. The last thing I wanna do is touch someone else’s laundry. It’s cool.”

He picks up the pace, not bothering to fold now, just jamming his clean clothes into his bag. “Yeah, cool. You have a good night.” Then, he’s gone.

I finish folding and bagging; a few minutes later S. arrives. As we get in the car, she says, “Why are those guys in the truck staring?”

I glance over; neither man is the guy from the laundry table, but they’re parked close enough to have overheard the whole exchange.

“I dunno, some people are just weird.”


Little Old Me


The always positive and beautifully eloquent Danica, of the blog Living a Beautiful Life, has nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award! Yeah, I dunno either…

If you’re not familiar with her blog, you have no idea what you’re missing. Seriously, read this, it’s amazing. Okay, on with the show.

Before we get to show and tell, let me assure everyone that I will not be nominating anybody. You’re all so damn lovely, it wouldn’t be right for me to single anyone out. On to the facts:

  1. I enjoy really negative music. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to and enjoy all kinds of music, but some of the stuff (for example, everything on my iPod that I use at the gym) I like you’d hear and think, “damn, let’s gtf away from this guy…”
  2. I once convinced the DMV that I’d never owned a certain vehicle, and they obligingly wiped all the fines and penalties associated with it from my record. (I doubt someone could get away with this today)
  3. I don’t like most politicians, but I love political smear campaigns.
  4. I can be very confrontational if someone is annoying me or showing their ass in public, which kind of leads into number 5…
  5. I’ve been in A LOT of fights. None in the past 5-6 years though, so that’s good…
  6. I’ve been a huge Doctor Who fan since I was a child, and I feel kind of bad that I’m 4 (or 5) episodes behind on the new season.
  7. I wish comics were uncool again.

That’s seven, now I’ll rant a little.

There were a few news stories that caught my attention so far this week. The first has to do with a “Breaking Bad Walter White” action figure that’s available at Toys “R” Us. Apparently, some lady has a real problem with this doll (get over it; action figure, doll, same thing) because it comes with a knapsack full of “crystal meth”. I can understand the complaint, because up until I saw the news I was unaware that Toys “R” Us now had an adult toy aisle. See, as an adult, I haven’t been in a Toys “R” Us in about 20 years. Maybe if you notice a sign on an end-cap that says “adult toys”, you should avoid taking your kids down that aisle.

The second is a little bit touchier, so I’ll attempt to be delicate. A couple who lost their child in a hazing incident at college have taken offense at a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor called Hazed & Confused. It’s a hazelnut ice cream, if that puts anything into perspective. Again, I get it; it’s a tragedy, and I’m not going to go into a rant about sheep, or frat life, or parenting. I’ll just say this (again): ALMOST NOTHING IS ABOUT YOU! I hate to sound like an insensitive prick (that’s not true at all, I’m very good at it, but I try to avoid it for decorum’s sake), but do you stay in bed if the weather-person says it’s a “little hazy” outside? There’s a world of difference between hazelnuts (they’re small, they’re delicious, they’re f*cking food), and hazing (it’s moronic, it’s a little culty, and if someone willingly wants to endanger themselves to earn the “respect” of a group of idiots that’s their problem). I’m sorry for their loss, but please –PLEASE– just stop…If you want to educate people about the dangers of hazing, there’s probably better places to start than with f*cking ice cream. Stop using your son’s untimely demise in an attempt to shame a company into doing what you want. It’s tacky. [QUICK NOTE: I won't be the slightest bit surprised if they change the name of the ice cream.]

Finally, there’s this. An online petition has convinced the Glastonbury Music Festival to restrict the sale of Native American style headdresses. Glastonbury, in England…Native Americans…I’ve never said this before, but I just can’t even…The petition was signed by a whopping 65 people. 65! In FUCKING ENGLAND! Here’s a fun fact, Native Americans are native to; meh, forget it, this ain’t my hill to die on. Good job guys! Maybe now you could convince your country to give back all the stolen (yeah, it’s stolen) shit in your world-famous museums! Or is that too much like actual work? You’d probably need a few more people to sign the petition you couldn’t even bother to print out. I quit.

Again, thank you Danica for the lovely award. It means a lot coming from someone as talented as you. Sorry I screwed up my acceptance speech. :P