That Clown (Writing 101 Challenge)

[QUICK NOTE: My word was clown]

 

Retailers and Employees:

In our efforts to improve the shopping experience here at Haddonfield Town Center, we have implemented several new strategies which have garnered positive results.

  • The drones now freely patrolling the food court seem to have the pigeon infestation under control.
  • The munitions factory has seen fit to admit their mistake, and have provided our security force with the original, “semi-lethal” Tasers that we had initially ordered.
  • The full-body scanners that were installed to ferret out shoplifters have been re-calibrated, and should no longer cause radiation sickness or tumors.

In spite of all the measures we’ve taken on behalf of our loyal customers, the previous weekend saw a marked increase in the number of customer and employee complaints, most of which seem to stem from one individual in particular. Samples provided:

Julie; cashier at Luke Warm Subject Matter:

“When I explained that it was against company policy for him to “lurk” in the fitting rooms and offer assistance, he squirted me in the face with a foul-smelling liquid from a flower on his lapel and ran laughing from the store.”

Rhonda; food court custodian:

“Several diners expressed concerns about his “mirrored shoes”, and didn’t believe they were “for children to inspect their noses for boogers”.

Ben; Assistant Manager of Farms and Peasants Booksellers:

“Told him the back hallways were strictly off-limits to anyone other than retail employees, he then offered me heroin and attempted to perform oral sex on me (sorry)”

Jermaine; stock associate at Domes (Hats and Various Cranial Accessories):

“He approached a boy in our store and asked him if he’d like a balloon animal. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to convince the kid that a “long brown spaceship with rear thrusters” was just as good, if not better than, the giraffe he’d asked for. The “spaceship” was very clearly a penis. UNACCEPTABLE”

As you can plainly see, there is a disturbing pattern at work here. I feel the need to be explicit.

Haddonfield Town Center does not, has not, and for the foreseeable future, will not be planning to employ a clown.

Anyone coming into contact with this individual should not approach him. Instead, it’s suggested that you notify security immediately as to his whereabouts. Thank you.

Pinto Colvig

General Manager

Haddonfield Town Center

Submit!

I’m in the middle of a new anthology I purchased; it’s not going well. I casually mentioned this to S. I usually try to be “nice”, seeing as how these authors are actually published and I’m just some d*ck with a blog and delusions of grandeur, but this time I couldn’t.

“That’s the third story in a row, I’m about to just give up.”

“Third story in a row, what?”

“It’s bad, that’s all; not like, typos or little things like that; they’re just…bad. The last three collections I read were great, the writing in this one…I dunno, it’s just bad; at least the last three stories were. I don’t know how the authors even got their stories in here.”

She looked at me over her glasses, sort of like an exasperated librarian, and said, “They got published…because they actually submitted work.”

ouch.

But she was right, dammit! It doesn’t matter how much I practice, or how much I write, if that’s all I’m doing. As much as it scares me, I’ve got to start submitting. Hopefully, pretty soon I’ll be able to share rejection letters too! :)


 

I wrote that so I could share this. Apparently, this author updates this list every month. It’s all anthologies, which I like, because I don’t have a novel anywhere near ready. Just thought I’d share with the class in case anyone is interested. I’ve seen a lot of places soliciting, but this casts a pretty wide net and collects a bunch.

 

Mumble…Mumble…

I’m actually pretty caught up in writing at the moment, so I haven’t been worrying too much about scouring the internet for things to make fun of. Here’s some random things I’ve pulled out of my head:

  • I signed up for (oh no)nanowrimo, and I wonder if it’s considered cheating to use a story that I’ve already been working on…thoughts? opinions?
  • After a comment S. made yesterday, I realized I have what I now refer to as “resting ‘come at me, motherf**ker’ face” (this is just another result of thinking too much, honestly)
  • In case you missed it, some parts of fandom lost their collective sh*t when new DC Comics shirts were released. Isn’t it just as sexist to assume you speak for ALL women? What about the women who DO want to be Batman’s wife? F*ck those wrong-thinking a**holes, I guess…
  • People are still (mostly) stupid

 

And just like that, I’ve got a new post stuck in my head. Back soon, be good. (or don’t, I don’t care)

You Can’t Handle It!

Honestly, I can’t think of a single person I’d want to hear the unfiltered, objective truth from. If anyone I’m close to is lying to me, I can rest assured that their lies are mostly harmless; as far as politicians or other “big picture” targets, what’s the point? They have so many different ways of telling “the truth” I don’t think a serum would help.

I suppose I’d choose to have some fun with it. Maybe I’d dose the manager of my local grocery store and get him to admit that yes, that odd, fishy smell is due to a sewage problem they’ve so far been unable to correct; or the owner of the awesome restaurant I frequent, so I can tease out the recipe to his delightful burgers.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

(pingy!)